Some people won’t understand this post. Some people will feel relieved that they’re not alone and some of their guilt will be lifted. I’m not trying to lift your guilt because even I feel guilty.

Adultery of the Mind. Is it a real thing?

I have been in a serious relationship for some time now (many years+), and I am happy. Things in general could be better – finances, work-life balance etc but for now, we are good enough.

There are trust issues on my behalf. Justified but maybe exaggerated also. Things I should be moving past or letting my relationship finish. He trusts me 100% to my knowledge and sometimes I think he is naive. If he thinks about actions in his past, I don’t know why he would think I couldn’t do the same – he loves me and he still done it. Is his belief that I would be a fool to mess up everything we have so strong? But it doesn’t apply in reverse.

Anyways, I am a self-confessed attention whore. There are people around me I know I can contact when I want to feel wanted. When I want to feel excited. When I want to be reminded that outside of my life, I am still sexy and desired and my other half is a fool if he doesn’t think he should be slightly insecure. When things are bad between me and my partner, I turn to these people: an ex; an old work “spouse”; a potential “side-piece”… I know who they are when I need them. They know who they are.

Do I feel guilty? Sometimes. On the occasions I might have considered officially meeting up with one of the above for something like a date; led a conversation in a direction it shouldn’t be going in; accepted the flirting and not asked them to respect my relationship status. But I am not and have not physically cheated. I could have. I believe I am definitely not supposed to.

But I also wonder if I will ever be happy enough in myself (because this is a big part of it) and my relationship to ever stop. To not need these ego boosts. Or do we all deserve to be reminded of how amazing we are every now and then? Our partners are amazing no doubt but they’re also slightly bias – these outside opinions have a different meaning to me.

Another day, another liberation.

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