Please Don’t Touch Me There!

I’ve had times where I’ve been single to mingle and mingle is all I wanted to do and somehow this has led to extremely stupid encounters and one dodgy sort-of relationship. Out of all of it, there have been some pretty good lessons learnt too.

I went through a phase that included a hell of a lot of alcohol and a “Fuck Men and their feelings, I’m gonna get mine” attitude. And in hindsight, I’ve had some pretty bad experiences because of this. I’ve had plenty of non-committed alcohol induced sexual experiences and I’m not ashamed of that. Mr.Me knows my number and some of the people it shouldn’t include and if he’s cool then fuck anyone elses opinion.

I don’t mean to sound harsh or horrible but honestly – I’m sure guys have had similar bad experiences and these are just 5 of my worst and most memorably weird and “never again” moments.

1. To start the list is PJ who came to mind after reading a blog post last night. PJ was of short stature and not my usual dark skinned type. I can’t even remember how we met but I’m going to presume it was somewhere online. I quickly learnt the most important things about PJ: he was extremely sensitive to ANY touch which made him obviously quick when it came to doing the deed (this happened once on the last time I saw him), small as in hard to even rub off and clearly oblivious to any of this as he asked to go again a few months later after asking “if it was good?”.

   The reason PJ stayed around so long was because of his willingness to go down on me – he was the first guy to ever do it to me so why would I say no when he asked for nothing in return? He was just memorable for his weird shivers at any and every touch, his rememorably small penis and 30 second man title. Needless to say, the answer to his question was no in the nicest way possible.

2. DB is someone I will never forget because I knew him for such a long time. I would like to start by saying I have a thing about bad teeth and although we had known each other online and on the phone for years, this was the first time we had met. It was my 17th birthday, after a failed rave, with not enough alcohol. He was heavier set than I expected which I could overlook but the teeth I could not, although technically I did. Anyways, he also wanted to set the mood by giving a little head – worst head ever! He may have been the second guy but I knew it was bad because it was like some sort of wide tongued dog just licking away with no technique as though it was a water bowl. I don’t know how I endured this but I did. He then decided his job was done and he wanted sex. It was never going to happen. He tried everything – including placing a condom on my chest whilst I pretended to be falling asleep and extremely tired. End result – he left at 6am with blue balls and his unused condom and I was extremely relieved. Important: please learn how to give head before attempting to use it as a seduction technique.
3. LW was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. It was nothing but drama from the offset with a family member messaging me on FB because they didn’t like him seeing me. I slept with him mquicker than I should have and within a week or so I had no less than 4 different females messaging me: his baby mother; his family member; another female he was seeing and the friends friend who he was also seeing! I couldn’t believe it and the stress was incredible. It was non-stop for weeks and I don’t know why I kept him around but I blame alcohol and pure idiocy. The end came when his baby mother got him arrested after phoning me whilst he was sleeping at her house. Long story short – stay away from guys with multiple females on the go.
   
4. RC was forbidden fruit. The ex-partner of a kind-of friend (they had a child together). Someone who had been chasing me during their entire relationship, turned the kind-of friend against me on many occasions when getting caught and no matter how many times I ignored his attempts, he managed to manipulate the kind-of friend to believe it was all me. Once they seperated, it continued. She had moved on to a relationship she is still in to this day and I lived closer to him so on a drunken impulse, I agreed to go and “chill”. This resulted in quite a few overnight stays and the discovery of a very average penis size and a guy who only ever wanted me on top. Ever. For the whole thing which never lasted very long. I think deep down I knew I was going to be used in their ongoing battle and he proved me right when he “accidentally” let slip that we had slept together in one of their ongoing arguments. Lesson: don’t sleep with enemies exes, let alone kind-of friends exes, especially when you know the drama that goes on!
5. Last but not least is the debatable AS. AS was a crush from my teenage years who just disappeared after the death of one of his friends. Fast forward 4 years and he randomly finds my number on an old sim and we start talking again. We meet up and he is a bit weirder than he used to be but it’s okay because I missed him and always wondered what could have been. On an occasion, a 75cl bottle of Courvoisier and 75cl bottle of Hennesy were involved. The courvoisier was finished and I was so drunk I started drinking Hennesy with no chaser because I kept forgetting to add the chaser. I vaguely remember being ready for bed before it is a long stretch of black nothingness. I don’t remember getting to bed, sleeping, or having sex. I don’t remember wanting to have sex. I don’t remember a damn thing. Mr.Me questions the consent of this sex but I can’t say because I genuinely don’t know. All I know is it was pretty scary to be told that AS had used no protection because he “needed to feel all of him in all of me”. That was the last time I saw him and we rarely spoke after. Please, don’t drink this much alcohol because it’s actually quite scary and dangerous and I think we should all consider the issue of consent if someone is this intoxicated before doing anything physical.